Hey You Kids! Get Off My Lawn!

I think I have reached the official “hey-kids-get-off-my-lawn” age.

I do not think of myself as being a curmudgeon but I am starting to embrace being curmudgeonly. I revel in the things that annoy me and enjoy being self-righteous about it.

So in the best spirit of the late Andy Rooney from “60 Minutes,” here is the list of things that irk me:

Movies that insult my intelligence.

People with earbuds on the subway who play their music so loudly I can dance to it.

When Siri malfunctions on my iPhone, which feels like all the time.

“Siri, what is the weather in New York City today.”

“Hmmmm…Let me think about that. Here is a recipe for matzo ball soup.”

People who walk on the sidewalk without paying attention because they have their noses in their smartphones.

People who crowd the sidewalk by walking too slowly, two abreast or at a full stop with luggage. Lead, follow or get the hell out of the way!

The manbun, especially the ones tied at the top of the head. Please. I just want to pull on those things like the strings of my former talking G.I. Joe action figures to see what happens.

The use of “guyses.” I do not know where this started but I swear I have heard it more than once. The most cringe worthy moment came in a conference call when a company executive used it to be plural possessive. And yes, he was in the communications field. (Side note: Not my current employer.)

People who carry on cellphone conversations without a care for who can hear them. I have recently heard conversations going on in the stalls of a public men’s room. I so wish I were kidding.

Lukewarm coffee.

Those ridiculous “Happy Birthday” chants you hear in chain restaurants. Stop it.

Catcallers on the summer sidewalks of New York City. Dude on the corner, do you really think saying “Thank you, beautiful” to the woman walking by you is meaningful conversation?

Texting and social media shorthand that mangles the English language. And I am not taking about shorthand such as BRB for Be Right Back, BTW for By The Way or even SMH for Shaking My Head.

No, I am talking about “words” like “prolly” for probably and “tryna” for “trying to” and “tho” for “though.”

People who carry umbrellas and poke you with them. Put them away and just get wet.

Drivers who use their high beams for no good reason.

People who drive recklessly, tailgate, switch lanes without signaling and never get pulled over by the police.

Trying to find a terrestrial radio station that will keep its signal while I am traveling AND have worthwhile programming.

Man spreading. That is guys who sit on the subway with a wide stance, making it all but impossible to take the seat next to them.

People who gripe.