Tag Archives: GI Joe

wikipedia reference

OK guys, it is time we had a serious conversation about some men’s fashion trends and choices that simply must die.

I ordinarily do not pay much attention to men’s “style” because I am not one to run with the crowd.

I also just find these things to be silly.

However, a new wrinkle has appeared that compels me to speak up to save men from themselves and preserve what is left of our dignity.

I am talking, of course, about RompHims.

For those unfamiliar with these crimes of infantilism, picture a loose-fitting shirt and shorts as a jumpsuit you climb into — almost like a baby’s onesie minus the snaps at the crotch.

Pictured it? Yeah, sorry about that. Some things cannot be unseen.

These outfits have gained headlines in recent weeks as their creators try to raise money to mass produce them, to which I will quote Nancy Reagan: “Just say no.”

These things are emasculating and disturbing to look at.

Who thinks they look anything but silly on guys?

Who would buy — much less wear — one of these outfits?

And is there a more stupid name than “RompHims”?

This is the latest example of stupidity in the name of style that men have inflicted on themselves.

There are others that are equally disturbing that need to be burned with fire:

  • Sunglasses perched on the back of your head: Unless you have eyes there, your sunglasses have no place being there. Knock it off!
  • Man buns: I know much has been said about these but I swear to God, every time I see one, I just want to pull on it like the tag on one of my old GI Joe Talking Commander dolls and hear him say “The Adventure Team is needed in Africa!”
  • Skinny jeans: Does more need to be said about this?
  • Sandals: I don’t care if you wear them without socks. They went out of style during biblical times.
  • Flip-flops: See above.
  • Guys with beer bellies and their belts cinched below their waist so their gut spills over: Either lose the weight or wear stretchy pants with elastic waists and leave the belt at home.
  • Velour: Soft, plush and neon-colored should describe your favorite stuffed animal, not your shirts.
  • Beaded necklaces and wristbands: Are you a surfer dude? Do you live in Hawaii or California? If you answered no to either, leave them in a drawer.
  • Spandex or yoga pants: Unless you are participating in a bike race — and even then I am not so convinced — leave the tight-fitting outfits to elite athletes and ballet stars.

I realize that I might not be in the best position to complain about less-than-manly aesthetics considering that I used to play with dolls when I was a kid.

But with phrases like “This is going to be rough. Can you handle it?” my dolls were still more macho than these hideous trends.

 

Here’s a New (More Realistic) Line of Ken Dolls

Stunning news out of the toy world: Ken, the doll who was Barbie’s original blue-eyed chiseled boyfriend, is undergoing a huge makeover.

If, like me, you grew up with GI Joe action figures or your sister played with Barbie and Ken dolls, this is a major development.

(Notice, by the way, GI Joe was called an “action figure” while Barbie and Ken were “dolls.” No gender stereotyping here…)

The toy maker Mattel is introducing 15 new looks for Ken, including different skin tones, body shapes and hair styles, The Associated Press reported.

He’s going to be sold in three body shapes: “slim,” “broad” and “original.” He’ll have man buns (ick!), come in seven skin tones and sport new fashions, such as skinny ties, plaid shirts and graphic T-shirts.

No word on whether Mattel is going to update his manly bits and finally make him anatomically correct.

I am all for modernizing and updating a beloved franchise, but let’s be realistic here: Ken is 56 years old.

These upgrades are such a distortion and in no way reflect the accurate ways Ken really should be portrayed.

So, dear Mattel, let me propose to you a line of truer-to-life Ken dolls:

Low testosterone Ken: He is balding, paunchy and has a diminished sex drive.

Divorced Ken: Lives alone in a small apartment and looks for companionship on Tinder but soon realizes most of the women on this app are young enough to be his daughter.

Gym Rat Ken: He likes to wear his baseball cap backward and sport sleeveless T-shirts to show off his guns. But keeping that muscle mass means shooting up with steroids. (Syringes are an optional accessory.)

Too-Young-to-Retire-to-Old-to-Start-a-New-Career Ken: Comes with an empty savings account, 401(k) with too little in it and a stack of bills. Bottle of Maalox sold separately.

Extreme commuter Ken: This doll is perpetually pale because it never sees the sun. He leaves the house before dawn and returns home after sunset. Comes with bags under his eyes.

Midlife Crisis Ken: Includes a red sports car, huge alimony payments and a Barbie with breast implants who is 23 years younger than he is.

Clueless Ken: Thinks he is all that with his sunglasses and slicked back hair and earbuds plugged into his iPhone. In reality, he looks like a doofus trying to look cool.

Guilt-Ridden Ken: This model has stooped shoulders and a faraway look in his eyes. He feels he has not done enough for his kids and his mother is always complaining that he never calls.

Nostalgia Ken: Clings to the past, repeatedly tells stories of his high school escapades and only listens to music from the 80s. (His buddy, Baby Boomer Ken, is sold separately.)

Cranky Ken: When you press a button on his chest, he yells: “Hey you kids! Get off my lawn!”

Out-of-Work Ken: Comes with video consoles and streaming Netflix service to fill his days with meaning.

Gender-Questioning Ken: You would be too if you lacked any genitalia.

Related:

Action Figures of the 60s and 70s: Where Are They Now?