Why I Won’t Miss the Photos of Naked Women in Playboy

Playboy without nude women? It’s like peanut butter without jelly.

As a subscriber to Playboy for more than a dozen years, I can say, though, I will not miss the naked pictorials, which the magazine announced it will discontinue in March.

There is the old joke that men get the magazine to read the articles. Well, the older I’ve gotten, the more truth there is to that!

But let’s start with the pictorials.

For one thing, the models are so glammed up, so exquisitely photographed in exotic locales and so airbrushed, they’re like the shiny red apples sold in supermarkets: unnatural.

In the photos, there is nary a hair out of place, a stretch mark, a blemish or a make-up smudge to be found.

Gimme a break!

They are what saccharin is to sugar: a poor artificial substitute for the real thing.

Sexy is a real woman whose hair is tousled from rolling out of bed in the morning, eyes poufy from sleep and padding around in her PJs and her body warm from the covers, not some naked young lady on the beach, with the sun setting in the background, the wind in her hair — and her mascara perfectly in place.

Oh please.

Here’s the other thing: As I have gotten older, these models have gotten younger.

A LOT younger.

This is totally true: I look at the centerfold’s dates of birth and almost always I think: Holy crap! My career is older than they are!

In some cases I graduated college long before they were born or I’m old enough to be their dad.


I also can barely contain my laughter at the descriptions of their turn-ons and turn-offs and the introductory text leading up to their layouts.

I am not saying these women are not smart, but the magazine writers take ridiculous liberties in overstuffing the quotes attributed to these models with navel-gazing hyperbole — a point underscored in a hilarious stand-up routine by the late comedian Charlie Callas.

While I have never been a fan of Playboy’s fiction, (being a hardcore addict of news and nonfiction), I do spend a lot of time reading its columnists, interviews, 20 Qs and libertarian views on privacy, government, laws and sex.

Those pieces are thought-provoking, engaging and often well written.

Yeah, sure, with its ads and some articles, the magazine still promotes some kind of throwback frozen-in-time bachelor lifestyle that features fancy cars, cigars, drinks and travel. It’s a mindset worthy of the “Mad Men” era.

That’s fine. I have always taken Playboy’s sense of itself with a grain of salt anyway, knowing full well I would never live that life of leisure and wealth.

For its part, Playboy said the decision to end the nude pictorials reflects a business decision in an era when thousands of photos and videos of naked women are a mouse click away on the Internet.

I get it. I’m cool with that.

I wonder now if my mailman will finally stop dog-earing the pages.

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