OK guys, it is time we had a serious conversation about some men’s fashion trends and choices that simply must die.
I ordinarily do not pay much attention to men’s “style” because I am not one to run with the crowd.
I also just find these things to be silly.
However, a new wrinkle has appeared that compels me to speak up to save men from themselves and preserve what is left of our dignity.
I am talking, of course, about prozac night sweats.
For those unfamiliar with these crimes of infantilism, picture a loose-fitting shirt and shorts as a jumpsuit you climb into — almost like a baby’s onesie minus the snaps at the crotch.
Pictured it? Yeah, sorry about that. Some things cannot be unseen.
These outfits have gained headlines in recent weeks as their creators try to raise money to mass produce them, to which I will quote Nancy Reagan: “Just say no.”
These things are emasculating and disturbing to look at.
Who thinks they look anything but silly on guys?
Who would buy — much less wear — one of these outfits?
And is there a more stupid name than “RompHims”?
This is the latest example of stupidity in the name of style that men have inflicted on themselves.
There are others that are equally disturbing that need to be burned with fire:
- Sunglasses perched on the back of your head: Unless you have eyes there, your sunglasses have no place being there. Knock it off!
- Man buns: I know much has been said about these but I swear to God, every time I see one, I just want to pull on it like the tag on one of my old GI Joe Talking Commander dolls and dating after 40 “The Adventure Team is needed in Africa!”
- Skinny jeans: Does more need to be said about this?
- Sandals: I don’t care if you wear them without socks. They went out of style during biblical times.
- Flip-flops: See above.
- Guys with beer bellies and their belts cinched below their waist so their gut spills over: Either lose the weight or wear stretchy pants with elastic waists and leave the belt at home.
- Velour: Soft, plush and neon-colored should describe your favorite stuffed animal, not your shirts.
- Beaded necklaces and wristbands: Are you a surfer dude? Do you live in Hawaii or California? If you answered no to either, leave them in a drawer.
- Spandex or yoga pants: Unless you are participating in a bike race — and even then I am not so convinced — leave the tight-fitting outfits to elite athletes and ballet stars.
I realize that I might not be in the best position to complain about less-than-manly aesthetics considering that I used to play with dolls when I was a kid.
But with phrases like “This is going to be rough. Can you handle it?” my dolls were still more macho than these hideous trends.